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Christina
08-16-2014, 01:51 AM
Hi everyone...

I know I've not been around these parts too much...I do visit almost every day and try to keep up with everyone but haven't been very successful at that...I am sorry for that...but it is nothing personal!

Well, I've had a lot of time on my hands so I've started to do things that I haven't done in a while and I figured I'd come over here and update you all. I realized yesterday that throughout the years I have posted a lot here, and you all were so caring and open and were kind to me...and that made me feel a little bad for not posting much here...so...here I am...even if it's just for a few minutes to update.

I was working as a nanny/personal care worker for 5 Autistic kids and I did that for the past year and a half...but in the beginning of July, the family moved to Missouri and consequently I lost my job. Hubby and I went down with the family to help them move...that was cool...it was a three day trip, and we got to see parts of PA, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and of course Missouri. It was quite a haul, especially with 5 kids, but they did great and it was a wonderful experience.

Let's see...so now I'm without a job, and I pretty much thought I knew what I was going to do. I was told that I could get another job through the agency I was hired through and all I'd have to do is call them and set up an interview and things like that. Well, I have called them, but they never returned my call. In my gut, I haven't felt like it was the right job for me, despite the fact that it's good pay and it's flexible, which I definitely need.

So today hubby and I made the decision to not worry about the job for me right now, and we're just going to pray on it. Emotionally I have a hard time handling working, so it's no real big surprise that right now, I am extremely happy and content. Everything in my life is pretty much in order right now because I have been able to be home. I am even keeping up with the housework, getting plenty of sleep, visiting with friends, etc. and those are all things I just was too stressed for before. My husband has noticed an incredible difference in me since I lost my job. I feel guilty...because I just want to be normal, be able to work that 40 hour a week job like everyone else does...but that is not me...so I guess I have to accept it and move on.

The only bad part is that I was saving for a breast reduction surgery to help slow the degeneration and arthritis problem in my neck and shoulders. I'm only half way there to saving for it and I have no way to get the other half. The surgery is scheduled for Dec. 9th so we have to figure something out by then or postpone. I really don't want to postpone, but I will if I have to. We can't afford insurance because it's too darn expensive, but we make too much money for the state insurance too...kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place with that one. So everything we do is out of pocket.

On the plus side, in November of last year, I finally convinced my husband to move his shop to a bigger and nicer location. So Dec. 2nd we started up in the new location and it has been a HUGE hit. He fixes computers and is everyone's go-to guy for everything...and this new location has given him the room to expand like he needed to, plus stay more organized which is something I really wanted for him. Originally, the plan was that I was going to work with him on my days off from work, and I did that in the beginning, but he ended up not needing me...at least for now. His mom will have to retire soon and then we'll have to put me in there 3 days a week. I'm nervous about that, but it has to be done. It is unfortunate that me working there does not mean we will make more money...otherwise, that'd just be my job and we wouldn't have to worry about it.

Then in January of this year, I met a wonderful man over at CF...started to become good friends with him...started to see him more as a spiritual father type...as most of you know, I had a horrible bio dad...and have never really had that father in my life. Never wanted it either...figured I was fine without it. And then I met this guy and it kind of changed my mind. I know it's kind of out of the ordinary and a little scary because it's online...or was online...now I have met him in person...he is the real deal. After about 6 months of getting to know him, him and I had a serious conversation via email one day in June, and we both really felt like God was telling us to have that father daughter relationship. He stepped up to the plate, and told me that if I wanted it, he would be there, and if not, he'd still be there as a friend, and he was willing to respect whatever I wanted or needed. I finally acknowledged it and we started building the relationship that way.

He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. My husband is thrilled, too. I have of course kept him in the loop with all this. But he has noticed a difference in my confidence, in how settled I am, just about everything. I have noticed too...but others have noticed even more than I have. It's so weird. I never understood how important it was to have a father in one's life. He has been there for me so much...he's given me a voice...he encourages me...brings me down to earth when I'm going nuts..he can diffuse me faster than anyone I know...there is just something about him. Most importantly, he's teaching me about God and really helping me to connect with God more. And that, to me, is just so awesome because I have needed that SO much.

On our trip to Missouri, I was able to stop and meet him. I only had two hours with him and his wife, but it was an amazing two hours. I instantly felt safe with him. It was so weird...I am not one who feels safe with men but something about him made me feel so safe. He also has a 10 year old son who is THRILLED to have a sister and he was so excited to meet me...very sweet, well mannered kid. So now, to them, I am part of their family, forever. Unconditionally. It's really awesome. Also, the man, who I now call my Papa, is an artist and he challenged me to draw something one day, just a simple letter with some dimension and I told him I couldn't do it, couldn't draw...but of course I had to try...and somehow we discovered that apparently, I have natural drawing talent. It's so weird. In 2 weeks of drawing, I have made some cool stuff and I had no idea I could draw...it's kind of exciting! But I'm still in shock because I've wanted to draw ever since I could remember, but never could. And now, I'm not doing too badly. I don't get it. But I'll take it!

So all that is kind of a big thing in my life. This whole process has been quite overwhelming to me at times. A lot of the "junk" inside from my bio dad is coming out, all the old memories and stuff, it's just starting to come out and I'm grateful because it needs to come out and be let go but it can be painful and exhausting. I think I'm through the worst of it now and I feel so much lighter because of it. Something in me has really changed...and I just feel more complete and more whole, less broken. That is a good thing.

Another good thing is that my counselor and I decided together that I was doing well enough that I didn't need to see her anymore. I have seen her for a couple of years now, and I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder...not very severe on the spectrum thanks to years of working through stuff but it is there...but she felt I was stable enough to be ok without her for a while. So far, so good. I am so grateful to God for giving me the strength and courage to get through each day now. And I am grateful to Him for sending me people like my husband and my friends and now my new Daddy to help me and encourage me in the right direction.

In other news, my mom opened a cafe in July and it is EXPLODING with business. She is busy almost 100% of the time that she is open. It was there for 8 years prior to her opening it, but the owners got tired of running it so they shut it down. My mom and brother bought it and opened it and in the first month, they made more than the previous owner made in two months. She even has a professional gourmet chef who has been around the world who comes and eats frequently and says that her soups are the best he's ever had and that her food is quality. Two of my younger sisters also work there...and the atmosphere is great. I am so happy for my mom. She is finally getting the good things she deserved after all these years of crap.

Let's see...I don't remember where I left off before so I guess I'll just end this here and if anyone's got any questions let me know. I'm still alive and I'm doing pretty well...just hanging in there, waiting for whatever it is that God has for me around the corner. Of course I'm nervous, because now I have to wait...and let God figure out where I'm going lol but I am just going to take this time to get some household projects done and to work on my drawing and music and to catch up with some friends...and of course, to build my relationship with my Papa. He is in Ohio...about 11 hours from me, so not too bad. We are going to visit him again in September and I can't wait! We will have about a day and a half with his family..much better than 2 hours lol.

We are also scoping out the area that they live in because we are tired of living here and want to move somewhere that is less expensive and has more available to us. There is pretty much nothing here...and we're so ready to go somewhere else. However, we would need a financial miracle to move...so we are actually praying for that now.

Hope you all are doing well...I will try a bit harder to keep up with you all now that I have this free time. I love you all...and do pray for you often.

purple
08-16-2014, 03:01 AM
Thanks for the update Tins. I've been keeping up on FB but it's so cool to see it all written down and get the background info on how you met your Papa :)

It's so cool to see you happy and content, I know it's been a struggle for you.

May The Lord continue to bless you and your family xx

mum2only1
08-16-2014, 09:49 AM
Very cool!!! So glad to hear you are doing well and the news of your "Papa" sounds facinating!!! So happy for you!!!

jgonz
08-16-2014, 11:21 AM
Christina, what a great update!
I can relate to the part about feeling more content at home. When you said that you feel guilty that you can't work a 40 hr work week "like everyone else" I have to tell you that a LOT of us can't work a 40 hr week. Even back when I did (which was a Very long time ago) I was a mess and constantly exhausted. I just don't have the energy for that apparently. lol
I'm so glad you have a spiritual dad to take that place in your life. :)

GM
08-16-2014, 11:57 AM
Wow! That's a lot!
Congrats on all the positive changes and thanks for updating:-)

snooch
08-16-2014, 12:35 PM
Good to see you here again! :)

I don't work a 40 hour week job outside of the house either, and haven't for about ten years now. Not everyone can, or does - and that's okay. :)

Ramura
08-16-2014, 05:12 PM
Good to hear from and THRILLED to hear how well everything's going! :)

Kehaar
08-16-2014, 06:36 PM
I'm very pleased to hear things are going so well :)

Christina
08-16-2014, 07:39 PM
Thanks so much ladies ♥

I'm glad to hear I am not alone in not being able to work much. I worked between 18-30 hours a week with my last job, but anything more than 18-20 hours had me so down. And I'd need at least 4 hours of down time after getting home just to diffuse from the day. I don't even know what it is. I had many emotional breakdowns during working...always have at every job even if I only work a few hours here and there. I've felt bad about it but there is not a lot I can do about it. I am so relieved to not be thinking about having to work right now.

My spiritual daddy/Papa is amazing. He treats me with such respect and kindness and the relationship is definitely 50/50. I've had a lot of close relationships, but I have to admit that most of the time I was the one giving everything I had and not really getting it reciprocated...I was just too needy/blind to see it...my husband is the only one that's really given to me equally...and now my Papa and his family are treating me as well as I treat them and it feels SO GOOD to be appreciated for who and what I am. My efforts to build the relationship are noted and appreciated...and we have the kind of mutuality that allows us both to be 100% honest...even if I'm mad at him for something, I call him up and tell him...if he is mad at me for something, he tells me...although it hasn't really happened yet lol...but we always talk through it and have no hard feelings. He is pretty gentle and has a very soothing, rich voice. He's got a really good balance of everything...and I am just so grateful to God...I don't deserve such a wonderful life yet here I am...

Thanks again ladies...I will definitely try to stick around...

katzankatz
08-17-2014, 01:10 AM
Hi, Christina! It's so good to hear from you, and I'm glad things seem to be looking up. Yes, do stop in from time to time!

Sage
08-17-2014, 02:25 AM
Glad things are going so well for you!

Xinnamon
08-18-2014, 02:44 PM
Glad to see you posting again! :)